Funny Subbing Stories

Funny Subbing Stories

This year I walked away from the safe corporate job and all of the bells and whistles of things like health insurance, paid vacations, sick leave, job security, and good pay, to return to the teaching profession. I am a substitute teacher. It can be a job that has horrifically boring moments, days, and weeks. It can be a job that has horrible experiences. But, subbing also has some amazing moments.

This is what I tell classes. “I expect to be treated with the same measure of respect that you would treat any sub with.” Every so often one of the students will raise a hand and say something along the lines of the following, “Um, we don’t treat subs with respect,” or “Um, what?” It is true. I don’t expect anything when I sub. I could care less if the kids have a good or bad relationship with their teacher or if they have reputations, as long as for the hour or so that I am running things we all get along and get through, then I have done my job.

It is still odd to me that students would ask regularly to call me "Mr. L". Almost every class asks, but the one time I just said to call me it they looked at me funny. Clearly, it is a matter of context and needs to be "their idea".

I will send out emails to friends that might find the subbing experiences to be funny. The following is a rather large sampling of these emails.

The Crimson Slippers. There is an earlier blog entry about this already. The gist is that I forgot to put on shoes and went to school one day wearing my bright crimson Wazzu bedroom slippers with slacks.

Dodgeball. Remember dodgeball? Divide up the students and let them throw things at each other. The movie a few years ago was hilarious. Well, one day I was letting the kids play the game when a 5th grader came up to me on the side very, very upset. “He threw it hard!” He was practically in tears. I was curious so I called over the other student. After ascertaining the situation it came to me that basically the one upset student reached down for a ball and got pegged in the chest by the other, knocking him out of the game. It was clear the shot was not to the face and not intended to injure. The students were using soft foam balls. “It’s dodgeball!” I said to the one kid and ended up giving the boy who threw it a “good job!”

The simple act of following instructions. I hate repeating myself. I hate explaining simple things more than once. I had an elementary PE class set up in 4 rows, or squads, as they called them. The instructions were simple; the squad leader was to get up and pick up the items in the boxes in front of each row to begin playing a game. That was it. Everything was directly in front of them and all that needed to occur was to have 4 students stand and gather, the rest need only sit and wait. After giving this direction I walked over to the side to grab a clipboard. Upon turning back I realized at least 7 students were up and grabbing things, there were now 6 rows, and one row had not moved at all. I reset them. I raised my voice to point it out. I set them in motion. They got it wrong again. There are days when I want to give students back to their parents and say “start over.”

My black tee shirts and boots and close cropped hair can present a pretty strict image. However, I was not prepared for the morning that a high school girl asked me “Are you a bouncer?” as I stood stern faced and arms crossed in front of a math class. “When I need to be,” I said slowly. To this day I do not know if the girl thought I was joking or not.

Boot questions. I get a lot of questions about my cowboy boots. There are kids that call them “girly boots” or worse and there are ongoing running jokes about the boots at places I regularly sub. This happens in multiple schools. It is always a surprise to me how kids will pick up on one little thing and run with it. On occasion I will refer to them as my dancing boots, but that just creates a whole new serious of questions that aren’t worth the hassle some days.

At the taekwondo dojang I attend there are dozens of kids from various schools in the area, including the schools I sub at. So, it was inevitable that one day I would end up knowing a student from TKD. She looked horrified that I was in the front of the room so I kept it quiet. I didn’t want to embarrass her. She looked very relieved when I said nothing. The second time it happened, she was fine with it, but the first time was very hard for her.

There was this one kid that was living the rocker cliché. He obviously did not want to be there. He was angry at the world. It appeared he hated me, just on general principle. I noticed he was wearing a concert tee of the band Trivium. I liked Trivium at Ozzfest in 2K5. My brother and I have come to the conclusion that their recent record is the best Metallica album in along time. I also do not intentionally try and be cool for the kids, they can see right through it. But … I pointed out that the new Trivium record was going to be worth waiting for. He looked skeptical. He asked me a few questions … I think I am now his favorite teacher in the world, which in the grand scheme of things means …

Teaching 10 Step. For PE one day I brought in some music and decided to teach some dance. The girls mostly liked it, but many of the boys thought I was the devil. However, I also noticed a few of the boys slowly trying, strangely compelled by forces they don’t understand. You could see it on their faces that they couldn’t quite understand why it was important, but since the girls liked it they could not help themselves.

Collective puberty. I was monitoring lunch one day with some 8th graders when I noticed some ankle footsies. The girl had both of her feet wrapped around the ankle of a boy trying desperately to remain calm while also trying to do some math homework. The pencil was tapping like Thumper’s foot. I sent the girl to get something from the office and it was clear that the boy was openly relieved. I needed to cut the kid some slack, he had not been able to answer one problem during the several minutes she was around. Once these were little kids I knew in 3rd grade, now they are hormone driven energy beasts that all have hit puberty at the same time.

Busy work. I know that some teachers hate to leave too much for the sub because they are control freaks. That is fine. But, there are days where it is just babysitting and class monitoring and the kids know it. See my blog on “Predictable Patterns”, AKA the day I was so bored I did the packet of busywork with them. It has actually happened more than once.

This Summer I actually recognized a student at Ozzfest while sitting on the lawn in front of me. I have long maintained that as a sub I am almost invisible in a way. It is possible that a student would not recognize me later in the day in line for food. So, I don’t expect them to remember some guy. Even though I have a ridiculous memory I had to assume that he may not have recognized me were I to say anything, or he might have thought it a bit creepy, so I left it alone.

Most of the time kids are kids. It doesn’t matter if it is private, public, alternative, whatever, some things are always in play. Kids talk more than they should. They ignore instructions from a sub. But, I had a class so quiet I did a head count. As I sat in front of the room I could not hear anything. My hearing might suck, but good lord … it was kind of creepy how quiet that class was.

Some things never change. Kids sit in seats they are not supposed to. I mispronounce names and the kids all giggle. There are problems with roll. I am not left with an adequate lesson plan. It is amazing how there are days when no matter the generation it is clear that kids today are the same as we were, which is scary in an entirely different way.

I leave notes to teachers. All subs leave notes, but some days the notes are better than others. It is rare that I have to bring in the real teacher. Recently, it was students having to face me after screwing up and getting called out by their teacher, who was in the building so I was able to point them out and let him deal with it promptly. Those kids were silent. Another time I had to call in the teacher from inside the building to step into the class and deal with discipline. It was a rough group and they deserved it.

There are no bells at some schools. Although most do have bells, there is a bit of a difference from building to building. I will usually just tell student to wait for the bell, that sort of thing. At this one middle school without bells, I had to really watch the clock and the halls to know when to release them. “As soon as the bell doesn’t ring you can go,” is what I said. Kids don’t listen or react to obviously sarcastic comments like that enough.

There was a middle school science class making rockets out of plastic soda bottles. I actually got to say the line “Today, it is in fact rocket science.” It was funnier in person.

The student raised his hand. I had gone over the assignment but he was having problems with number one so I went over it for him in detail. He nodded, appeared to be listening and at the end of my five minute one on one answer he asked me the following, “But what’s the answer?” I cannot help everyone.

Teachers can develop a twisted sense of humor. There are signs or objects on teachers’ walls and desks and doors that are very dry or sarcastic in their humor. Subject matters include possible aggression against cheating or disruptive behavior. There was an urn on the desk one morning that was labeled as the “ashes are the remains of a student that cheated on a test”. A little test intimidation can go a long way.

I actually threw a crowbar over my shoulder and walked around with it one morning. I cannot explain why there was one in class, but it was kind of fun to carry around. Well, while I explained that they had to be quiet during and after a test one period a couple kids looked nervous while others disputed if it was a real crowbar. So, I dropped it on a desk and ... “Clang!!!” They shut up and were very good after that. I finally admitted it was a joke later.

It is hard not to pick up slang. I try not to. It sounds ridiculous coming from me. But, one day I said “solid” in such a way as the middle schoolers were saying it. I swear to never do that again.

Okay, so one morning my commute was a whole 4 minutes ... by foot ... to theelementary across the street. I had to be there at 8:15AM and left the house at 8:11AM and was on time. I went to the music and looked outside my room for the kids at 8:50AM. No one was there. 8:55AM rolls around for the first group to come in ... and no one is downstairs by the door ... Ilook down the hall, nothing ... go inside, double check my times ... lookoutside the door, nothing ... go back up to wait and a teacher walks in ... “Your class is waiting.” I look outside, nothing, go down the hall and aroundthe corner and these kids are standing in the cold waiting for me ... I hadno idea they were there or to look there ... and we are near the water ... it was cold and damp and windy that morning. Brrrrrrrrrr …

Okay, so I had to deal with an assembly and the moving of a class of 5th graders to and from an assembly. This is actually one of the worst things I have to deal with as a sub. I don’t know where to go. I had a high school class vanish once on the way and I would not have recognized any of them while I was figuring out where to go. Well, the fifth graders were singing in a choir for Veteran's Day and on the stage with the other 5th grade classes and me and the other teachers are just standing on the side while the music teacher and principal handle thing. There is a bee tormenting the group on stage and causing a heck of a disturbance. The principal is telling them to stand still when the bee attacks me. I am very allergic and use my dance moves to get rid of it because I cannot afford to be stung. The principle says I should stand still, but I have only ever been stung when standing still. He stands still, the bee lands on his neck and stings him ... in front of the school after telling everyone to stop squirming ... HA!

I can no longer tell how old these kids are sometimes. There are Teacher’s Aides and there are Teaching Assistants. One is a paid position for people often in their 20’s and just out of college while the other is a half credit for kids to work with teachers instead of taking and actual class or elective. One day this young woman walks in and offers to help with attendance etc … and I swear she is 23 and has good poise for her age. Turns out a few minutes later she is one of the students, an 8th grader that just turned 14 … I get very scared when things like that happen. It is exactly for reasons like this that I sit at the other end of the pool when the high schoolers are swimming in PE. A simple misunderstanding and suddenly a teacher can find himself on the evening news.

The Britney Factor. Kids dress up like celebrities in the styles the celebrities are wearing. It is normal. However, when I was trying to find a cable channel (some classes have cable, I don’t) for a history class to watch a program we passed a music video channel where a 17 year old Britney was shaking it. The boys wanted to stop. I pointed out to them that the girls in the class were the same age and I did not feel comfortable watching it because of that. The girls actually thanked me. That would have been creepy.

I am a soccer fan. And, as some classes have cable I have been able to watch some midweek midday soccer on the TV. Well … one day I realized that the TV was in the corner facing me and not the class so I left it on without the sound, it was about 20 minutes into class when the students noticed that the United States Men’s National Team was on in the corner. And yes, I have also had a class be quiet while watching the last 10 minutes of UEFA Champions League matches in the class right after lunch. And yes, I have been watching tapes of games at lunch and let the kids stay in for lunch and watch with me.

Some of these stories are funnier than others. Some of these stories are funnier in context. Some of them are more noteworthy than funny.