Archive Project - Previously Unpublished Work #1 - "G.W.N.B."

Archive Project - Previously Unpublished Work #1 - "G.W.N.B."

This is the first in a series of previously unpublished work that I am posting here on the blog. This was an idea I had one night that I thought would make a good SNL skit ... that did not happen. Since I found it on an old floppy disc, this seemed like as good a place as any to post it.


"Girl With Nice Butt" (c)1998

Actress: I'm listed in the credits as the "Girl With Nice Butt"!

Agent: Yes you are.

Actress: This is humiliating ... !

Agent: That was your role.

Actress: I don't think you understand ...

Agent: ... no, I don't think you understand.

Actress: Puh-lease! This is my career that we're talking about here.

Agent: Yes we are.

Actress: Now do you understand?

Agent: I already told you that I understand.

Actress: RRRRRR!!!

Agent: Listen ... there's no need to overact here, that was your role and you knew it.

Actress: I had no idea it was going to be listed in the credits that way.

Agent: How did you think it was going to be listed?

Actress: I don't know ... "Girl On Street" or "Girl In Blue Dress" or something. Not "Girl With Nice Butt"!

Agent: "Girl On Street" was Jenna Grant.

Actress: You are kidding.

Agent: Nope.

Actress: Then why not "Girl In Blue Dress"?

Agent: Probably because you were wearing black hot pants.

Actress: I know what I was wearing and you know what I mean.

Agent: Your role was to walk down the street strutting your stuff so the male lead could rubberneck and have the female lead punch him in the shoulder. Whereby he says, "What? She had a nice butt."

Actress: I know what my role was.

Agent: You performed your role well.

Actress: Kiss my ...

Agent: Cute.

Actress: Never mind.

Agent: What are you so worried about anyway? It was a ten second non-speaking role. At least it was on a hit show. Maybe they'll ask you back for a dream episode or something.

Actress: My dad was there when I first saw it.

Agent: He didn't like the hot pants?

Actress: That was not the problem.

Agent: Go on.

Actress: I had him help me check the credits and he blurted out, "There you are, you're listed as the girl with nice butt." He called everybody to tell them.

Agent: That would be embarrassing.

Actress: It was humiliating!

Agent: You'll get over it.

Actress: No. I won't.

Agent: Years from now you'll laugh about it.

Actress: Years from now, one of those before they were stars shows will go and show this.

Agent: So? Be happy you got big enough for one of those shows.

Actress: So. I'll be referred to as the girl with nice butt forever.

Agent: I doubt that they will list that on any of those shows.

Actress: No?

Agent: No. They'll just show the scene of your ass wiggling down the sidewalk in hot pants. That's what you'll be known for.

Actress: Thanks, I feel better now.

Agent: At least you weren't crossing your legs for a bunch of slobs. You would never live that down. Years later even.

Actress: She ended up with some decent roles, a Golden Globe, and an Oscar nomination.

Agent: See ... you have nothing to worry about then.

Actress: What am I gonna do?

Agent: Wear baggy sweatpants so nobody can recognize your butt.

Actress: Thanks.

Agent: People will say, "Hey, I know that nice butt from somewhere."

Actress: That's not funny.

Agent: Actually, it is.

Actress: That's it then?

Agent: Yep.

Actress: I'm doomed.

Agent: No you're not.

Actress: How can you be so sure?

Agent: Because I called you in here for another role.

Actress: Really?!

Agent: It even has a line. You'll be "Girl With Tan Lines". Best of all, it's for Baywatch.